a fear of love?

Okay, so sending this out into cyber space might help make this more realized and hold me more accountable...Now, you're thinking to yourself...what is this girl talking about...here's basically what I've decided:

After spending last night with a friend who was on the edge of her quarter-life crisis and another who had just recently had his heart we got to talking about religion, death, life, love (you know all that stuff you talk about either when you're extremely drunk, just been dumped, or on the verge of a quarter,mid, end-life crisis). Love seems to equate to what sounds like a highly intoxicating and addictive drug. I know that every human needs love but I was raised with the mentality of being self sufficient and not needing to feel validated or needing another to feel complete or whole, but in asking my beloved friends to describe why they would subject themselves to this roller coaster of emotions it seems like even though they experience the lowest lows they have ever felt they also have the bonus of feeling the highest high. They refer to those without as "flat liners." ...I don't want to be a flat liner.

I want to love and be loved but I don't want to sacrifice my life that I love. I have friends and family that I love and that love me. I have a job that I'm good at, a home that I own and a routine that works. I'm not one that usually says that I'm opposed to change (I actually like it) but this change really freaks me out. Sometimes I sit around my house in frumpy clothes with my cat and my hair a mess and think to myself, if I were with someone, could I do this? Could I? I'm type A by nature but it's only pushed to be more extreme when living with others. I don't know if someone could survive Josie. I've never failed anything in my life (I'm one of those "good at everything but not amazing at anything"-types) and I don't want my first failing to be in love. :( I know smileys are cliche but it just seemed to fit...no I am not 14.

Fear is normal right? Why do I feel like I missed something extremely crucial to my development in middle school. I was supposed to be feeling this then right? I knew I should've dated Matt. I was scared of the male sex then too...just like I am now, only now I'm older.

So, the real point of this post was for me to say I'm going to do something about this...be an agent of change instead of that person trapped inside her own mind just thinking of everything to be feared and everything to stay away from and continually dreaming of the "what ifs." So here goes: this time around...starting now, I will devote the next three months to me. These are my selfish months. I will focus on my clarity, wellness and wholeness (is that a word?) and after that I will go full boar/force/etc. toward mission amor! :) I like that. Okay. There it is, in black and white out in cyber space.

Let the count down begin!

The Prospect of a New Year

So I'm sitting at the brink of a new year. That means a new begining. A fresh start.

For so many a new year is a new self...at least for a few months. Many choose to lose weight, start a new career, turn a chapter in their life, take up a new class, be more this or less that, etc. Instead of giving up something I want to live. I realize that we're all living now, but really -- honestly live. I want to feel alive. Feel the cold on my nose to my toes. Feel hot chocolate warm me up from the inside out and all the way down.

So here's to a new year and a new me!